Paul and I didn’t even do it on our wedding night. We were too wasted. Plus, it was 5 am by the time we got back!

She’s cute, she’s proper, she’s shady. I wanna get with her. No, no, it was a real bat. Someone threw it onstage and he thought it was a fake one so he took a bite out of it. Right after the show, he was in the hospital getting a rabies shot.

Kid1: hey look at the dude with the green hair! Kid2: thats not a man that’s a lady

The drug reps took all the residents out, gave them all 150 dollar vouchers.

Dont ask Eddie, don’t ask that stupid kid with the hat. Those are the guys that’s always fucking around. (7 train)

If you shoot him in the head and I film it, we’re both going to jail. (7 train)

I’m so proud of my daughter, she eats her bread without butter. (UWS)